B made a film. And it’s really lovely.
She also posted her new years resolutions which are very similar to mine. Especially number 9 ‘Not hang out with negative people… This has actually worked so far’. Before the new year I let someone back into my life in my attempts at being more social. This is someone I used to gravitate towards in high school, which feels like a lifetime away. It’s like how in My So Called Life when Angela and Rayanne’s mums are talking and Rayanne’s mum says ‘It’s like everybody else was in black and white, and that person was in colour. Well, Rayanne thinks Angela is in colour. Major colour’. Damn that show was honest. Our friendship was like a box of matches that kept burning out too fast or refusing to light. They slowly faded into the black and white and I was left confused as to why I had been so determined to make it work. High school friends are rarely permanent. You have to be okay with that. Otherwise you’ll have someone’s name in your contacts for a long time that you rarely feel like talking to and yet you sincerely care that they’re doing okay. It’s a weird, awkward grey area to be in.
So I ended up trying to draw out their colour again as I fell into the old high school crowd. It felt like going backwards which felt wrong because the year was almost up. I was walking backwards in the toxic smoke as they promised new things and new people. But I knew I would never know them as anything more than kids pretending to be philosophers and self titled wallflowers, so I slipped away where the air was clearer. Until I felt safer and stronger.
My extended family are far away. Some of whom I haven’t seen for over two years. It can be hard for me to feel as though I have companionship and support sometimes. It’s not often that I’m surrounded by lots of people I feel comfortable with and immersed in love and acceptance. That happens a couple of times a year, and it’s how I entered the new year. As I sat in the attic with Bushra, holding party poppers as our family friends began the countdown to midnight I decided there was no point in spending time with people who made me feel anything less than how I felt with them.
Rather than giving out my love and energy to people who don’t know how to give any back, I’m getting used to being with myself. Getting okay with being an introverted homebody. I’m working harder at being a good friend to the beloved friends I already have and setting aside more time to be with them. But I’m also keeping an eye open for those special people whose hearts are awake and whose minds are open. Those dwelling in unexpected places, and those that have been there all along.